For Valentine’s Day, I bought Kelly a heart-shaped cookie-cake from Great American Cookies. I also got the same thing for her birthday, a mere two weeks ago, but after the Tae-Bo Video incident of ’01, I tend to play it safe when it comes to gifts for my wife.

As such, Ian is quite familar with the large, red, square box in which these cakes are served. He’s never actually seen the inside of one of these boxes, but he knows they contain a large quantity of chocolate-chip cookie, pieces of which may or may not be slathered in frosting.

We’ve long since resigned ourselves to the fact that there is nothing Ian can’t reach, given a little persistence and lack of parental foresight. I once heard our car’s horn beep as if I had just locked the doors – I found Ian kneeling on top of our dining room table, playing with my keys.

Earlier this winter, as we led Ian to one of the more manageable slides at our local park, he shrugged away from our help and slowly made his way up the steepest, highest stairs – which are designed so that toddlers can’t climb them – and thence to the steepest, highest slide.

Ian isn’t the most graceful child I’ve ever seen, but he’s as nimble as a mountain goat. A fact which, for some reason, is very easy to forget.

Which is why we put the cookie-cake (in its cookie-box) on top of our kitchen island, a mere four-foot tall wooden cart with shelves. This cart also happens to conveniently resemble Ian’s toy shelves, which he has a tendancy to climb; we failed to recognize this similarity – Ian did not.

We had just given Ian his bath, after which we gave him a small piece of cookie and brushed his teeth. He then disappeared for two minutes, which we also failed to notice…until he came waddling into the den with that look on his face. (This is the same look that causes Debra Barone to ask of Ray, ‘What did you do?!‘)

We rushed to the kitchen; no apparent tomfoolery or noisome misdeads. But wait! Is the cookie-box slightly more ajar than it had been ten minutes ago? And aren’t those crumbs of vanilla frosting scattered on the top island shelf? And hadn’t Ian just been smacking his lips, ever so slightly?

We open the box. A piece is missing!

‘Hey! Honey, did you…’

‘Yeah, I took a small piece.’

‘Oh. Then what…’

And then we notice the small, vanilla frosting swirl which looks as though it’s been crushed.

J’Accuse!